"Laughing our heads off, the two of us there. Spending our time like we were Millionaires!"- Millionaires, The Script
Today I read an article (on ScoopWhoop) about the various ways in which a woman’s body changes in her 20’s. After I was done, all I could think of was, more important than these is the many different ways in which our minds and personalities change. True to my nature, I began thinking about how my view of relationships and men had changed. Don’t get me wrong I know there have been other significant changes too, but I guess I’d expected that I’d become more focused, more career oriented, and more self-reliant with age. What I hadn’t even realized had changed was how I saw my relationships.
When I was 15, I was attracted to the kind of boys who had some kind of darkness in them. This does not mean that I was perpetually attracted to the bad-boy type, even though I was for a short while. What I mean is, boys who seemed a little sad, a little broken were always the ones I gravitated towards. It was these kind of boys that I fell in “like” with, and eventually dated. The more broken the boy, the more I fancied myself in love with him. Somehow the moody artist type was always a lot more interesting, than the good boy who was always laughing. Also, I think at that time I was spoilt for choice, because as teenagers, everyone was moody all the time. If he prowled, instead of walked like a normal person, I was even more fascinated. I feel crazy admitting this now, but the lesser the guy spoke, the more curious I was about him. It never occurred to me that maybe these boys had nothing interesting to say. I would romanticize it in my head, making him a darkly silent, Mills and Boon hero, believing I would be the girl to draw him out. The unhappy boy I was sure I could fix. Fix! I’m not sure what I presumed my roles in their lives would be, but I was convinced that my life was a movie, that I would heal him and all his problems and we would live happily ever after. However, the reality was, that I was too young to deal with another’s problems correctly, and I’d move on with a few scars to show for, from each relationship.
At the absolute end of my teenage years, however, came the darkest of all my relationships. To be frank it didn’t start out like that, there was nothing remotely dark or brooding about this guy. In 4 months however, things changed drastically, and I was pulled headlong into the scariest journey of my life. After a year of abuse and countless fights, I was back on my own. This time though, I’d been stripped unceremoniously and brutally of my innocent and naïve view of the world. I won’t say I didn’t escape without some very deep emotional scars, but the one thing I left with more than anything else, was pride. I’d survived something so huge! People succumbed, broke down, utterly unable to function. Not me though, I simply dusted myself off, cried myself out of tears, and started over. I was amazed at my tenacity, and proud of myself for being a strong woman. This experience however had changed one thing for good; I was no longer attracted to darkness of any kind.
I didn’t decide this consciously though. From here on, I’m not even speaking exclusively of men, but my friendships with both sexes. All I know is, today it struck me, that I’m attracted to happy people. And I mean the genuinely happy kind. I love bright, sunny personalities. I love the person I get to be with them. I love that my days aren’t spent constantly trying to heal someone else, or even worse heal myself. All the new friends I made after that relationship ended are the kind of people you laugh with even through the problems. There have been troubles, there always will be, but we don’t brood, or let it get to us. There’s something so heartwarming about knowing that irrespective of what I’m going through, they will make me laugh. Yeah, they’ll give me advice and listen to me rant. But then they’ll cheer me up, and everything seems so much easier to handle.
More than two years after I ended that relationship, I began dating a man I’d known for quite some time, but had never really spoken to all that much. You know what was the first thing about him that I was hooked on to? The sound of his laughter; and trust me it’s not the kind of sound that’s rare and precious because of it. Oh no, you’ll hear it often and loud! He’s got this huge smile that I swear to you shines even in the dark. He’s the kind of person that finds humor in the absurd and revels in it. He’s the kind of person that will smile at any and everybody. Around him it’s impossible to sulk. He’s friends with so many people, I’ve lost count. He just attracts people to him. Everyone wants their moment in his Sun. Including me. He started out as the high point of my already bright day. Some months later, we were together.
Maybe I’m crazy, but being exposed to such a dark and damaged psyche really altered my view. It gave me a permanent abhorrence for it. I adore my boyfriend’s happy personality. He’s a focused, strong man, but he refuses to take himself seriously, and armed with his ability to laugh at everything, including himself, will take on the world. That’s what I find extremely attractive now. I’m in love with his open nature; I’m glad he needs me, but it never fails to please me that I don’t have to heal some part of him, before we can have a healthy and stable relationship. He exorcised my demons and added a special sparkle to my already happy life.Whether permanent, or fleeting, time will tell. There are no regrets though. There never should be.
