Who The Hell Can See Forever

"Derek said he'd be with me forever. Then 3 days later he told me about a Star Trek episode, where they've said forever may only be a few months"

Sometimes when I'm happy I miss you. When I want to do something fun I think, he'd have loved this too. Sometimes when I'm buying soda I think of picking up Thums Up. Just coz you liked it better. Sometimes when I'm walking or I'm in a rickshaw and I see two people on two wheelers I think of you. Then I miss you. A little bit.

Sometimes when I say something funny and I realize it was your joke in the first place. I miss you a little then too. Sometimes some music reminds me how much you loved it and how you're the reason I listen to it. Then I miss you some more.

Sometimes when I put on that blue shirt, the one you said made my skin look warm, I miss you.
Sometimes when I'm sitting alone I think about times when we sat together, just you and me. Then I feel lonely. And I miss you then too.

Sometimes when I'm having chai and cigarette, I remember how you're the reason I appreciate it fully. And then I remember your ridiculous attempts at making my kinda tea. Even thought you claimed it was more like brown chashni. Which I was masquerading as tea.
And I remember a time you made tea for me at 1 in the morning coz I had a blistering headache. And then took me home.
Then, then I miss you till I cry.

Sometimes when I'm just sad, I remember how you always asked me what's wrong. And how I always lied. But you always knew. And you'd catch me at my stupid bluffs. And then I'd try to tell you what's wrong.
I hate how when I type T and R on my phone the stupid predictive text types out your name. Every single time.

Sometimes, like today I feel unhappy and low and like a failure. And I just cry. And I don't know why. And I wish you were here, to make me a cup of tea and hug me till I feel my bones will snap. And how you'd try to sternly say stop crying. Or just put food in my mouth. Coz that always shuts me up.
Every time I eat something with a lot of cheese in it I miss you. My cheese chor.

Somehow it's not easy to get around the fact that I no longer have to get my pizza with capsicum minus the mushroom. I hate capsicum. But somehow I can't bring myself to change my order.

It's not fair. You and I, we left footprints eveywhere. Wherever I go, I'm reminded of us. Not you, but us. And I'm no longer a part of an us.

Somehow I think I miss that too.

Sometimes I just miss how it used to be. To have someone, who at least in my head, was always on my side.

Maybe sometimes you miss me too. The smell of my Aqua Lily Body Shop perfume. The way I bitched about your dirty handwriting. The way I cribbed when you stole my cheese. But you knew I honestly didn't mind.

The way I always skip at least 2 steps when I take the stairs. Maybe you miss the way one of my front tooth is bigger than the other. And how it sometimes accidently overlaps slightly onto my lower lip. Making me look a little freaky.

 How I got so irritated when you used the same spoon for chawal and dal. Maybe you think about how I used to hog the right side of the bed, only because it was your preferred spot.

Maybe you do. Maybe you really really miss me.
Maybe.
But maybe doesn't change how things are. Or how things will always be.
We've grown so far apart now.
Sometimes memories are all you have. Till you can get ahead, and make some more.
Sometimes.

I know someone who told me, love never goes away, it just changes. 
I don't believe that anymore.

Davidoff Lights And Red Bull Are Amazing Together

"I've done the merry go round, I've been through the revolving door. I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and... don't you wanna stand still with me?" - Carrie Bradshaw to Mr Big, Sex and the City

He's my distant star.
Far far away, he still shines brightly.
Something about him has always made me smile. Thunderstorm, you are cherished. When I think of you, I go into sepia mode.
A yellow jacket, that I hated. Floppy hair that I wanted to snip away, to curb the urge to run my hands through them. Those damn glasses. The sarcastic smile.
A sunny day. A slope we walked up. You wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to run away from what you made me feel. Would it be different today if I had come? No, probably not.
Should I cry that you've changed? Your sepia is gray now.
Dark brown eyes. Like the chocolate Mom uses.
Thin lips, you can never be kissed.
Who are you Thunderstorm? Why do you steal my peace? Why are you here one day and I'm thrilled. Then you're gone and there's only the discomfort for memory.
Am I really that foolish? Can I really not see?
You're gone. Its old now. You're in a place where I am a hazy memory of a left-behind past.
To me you're still as vivid as ever.
You're the tossing and turning in the middle of the night.The dissatisfaction when people talk about perfect love.
You're like my smoking. A bad habit I can't get enough of.You're like a candle in the dark. You cast shadows I'm terrified of yet the sight of the flame has me captivated.
I allow you to take me some crazy far away place, where you and me is all we need. I remember when you said we'd run free together, with the grass below and the sky above.
We'd even have the playful dogs. And the house with the picket fence. And a green meadow beyond. With the cows that I'm scared of and the old creaky gate. Our house has a room full of books. Old ones, because you say they have a charm. And because I love to think of the people who read them before us. You sit with me and we talk about books all day. Because we have so many thoughts, and they get lonely in our head. We eat when we want to and whatever we want to. I never exercise because you say I'm not the kind of person who gets fat.
When it gets cold you start a fire. Not the wood fires but the newer electric fires. After all, you're part of an NGO the talks about sustainability.
You have so much energy I can never catch up. You hate sitting still, and me, I crave such moments of peace. With you life is a tempest. But I'd rather be here than any other place. I'd rather share you with the million other things you do, than not have you at all.
Then I open my eyes, with the now smudged kohl, and I know you're only a dream now. A dream that still makes me happier than my every reality.
Do you remember? Are you forcing yourself to forget?
Do you still have your passions? Is there still a bird in you that longs to break free? Or has that flown away long ago, leaving behind a man, who doesn't understand the dreams of a foolish young girl
?
Because I know I'm still the girl with the stars in her eyes. And I wish I knew if you are that boy. The cocky one. The one who knew it all. The one I wanted to show off for. To make you sit up and notice me.
Do you still remember me? Do you smile fondly when you think of the silly things I say? And how I kept you up one night giggling over a joke I didn't remember?
Do you still have an overwhelming desire to kiss me? Do you still want to grab hold of me every time you think of me? Spin me around till we're both so dizzy and the world turns with us? Do you still love me?
Do you still smack and unsmack your head when you're drunk?
Will you be just as adorable as you used to be?
Because today you're just making me cry. I hate crying, it's so messy.
You say I'm in the past, and that it no longer matters.
You're wrong.

Someday I'll fly out to you. And you'll sit up and take notice again. And you'll wonder why you ever thought you'd forget.

For you,
Because you never go away.