Who The Hell Can See Forever

"Derek said he'd be with me forever. Then 3 days later he told me about a Star Trek episode, where they've said forever may only be a few months"

Sometimes when I'm happy I miss you. When I want to do something fun I think, he'd have loved this too. Sometimes when I'm buying soda I think of picking up Thums Up. Just coz you liked it better. Sometimes when I'm walking or I'm in a rickshaw and I see two people on two wheelers I think of you. Then I miss you. A little bit.

Sometimes when I say something funny and I realize it was your joke in the first place. I miss you a little then too. Sometimes some music reminds me how much you loved it and how you're the reason I listen to it. Then I miss you some more.

Sometimes when I put on that blue shirt, the one you said made my skin look warm, I miss you.
Sometimes when I'm sitting alone I think about times when we sat together, just you and me. Then I feel lonely. And I miss you then too.

Sometimes when I'm having chai and cigarette, I remember how you're the reason I appreciate it fully. And then I remember your ridiculous attempts at making my kinda tea. Even thought you claimed it was more like brown chashni. Which I was masquerading as tea.
And I remember a time you made tea for me at 1 in the morning coz I had a blistering headache. And then took me home.
Then, then I miss you till I cry.

Sometimes when I'm just sad, I remember how you always asked me what's wrong. And how I always lied. But you always knew. And you'd catch me at my stupid bluffs. And then I'd try to tell you what's wrong.
I hate how when I type T and R on my phone the stupid predictive text types out your name. Every single time.

Sometimes, like today I feel unhappy and low and like a failure. And I just cry. And I don't know why. And I wish you were here, to make me a cup of tea and hug me till I feel my bones will snap. And how you'd try to sternly say stop crying. Or just put food in my mouth. Coz that always shuts me up.
Every time I eat something with a lot of cheese in it I miss you. My cheese chor.

Somehow it's not easy to get around the fact that I no longer have to get my pizza with capsicum minus the mushroom. I hate capsicum. But somehow I can't bring myself to change my order.

It's not fair. You and I, we left footprints eveywhere. Wherever I go, I'm reminded of us. Not you, but us. And I'm no longer a part of an us.

Somehow I think I miss that too.

Sometimes I just miss how it used to be. To have someone, who at least in my head, was always on my side.

Maybe sometimes you miss me too. The smell of my Aqua Lily Body Shop perfume. The way I bitched about your dirty handwriting. The way I cribbed when you stole my cheese. But you knew I honestly didn't mind.

The way I always skip at least 2 steps when I take the stairs. Maybe you miss the way one of my front tooth is bigger than the other. And how it sometimes accidently overlaps slightly onto my lower lip. Making me look a little freaky.

 How I got so irritated when you used the same spoon for chawal and dal. Maybe you think about how I used to hog the right side of the bed, only because it was your preferred spot.

Maybe you do. Maybe you really really miss me.
Maybe.
But maybe doesn't change how things are. Or how things will always be.
We've grown so far apart now.
Sometimes memories are all you have. Till you can get ahead, and make some more.
Sometimes.

I know someone who told me, love never goes away, it just changes. 
I don't believe that anymore.